Helping those with Depression

A must read!

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/how-help-friend-fight-depression#lzRgSGEdy55pQfUJ.01

A little personal

Last week my depression went into overdrive.  It's tough.  I'm not seeing much "fruit" here.  It's tough to come to this church and face the feeling that I'm on my own.  You'd think after feeling like that my entire life, I'd be used to it, but I never really escape it.

This week, we had a family visit with small kids.  They seemed to like it here, which is good.  But I was told "You won't get people to staff the nursery."  In other words, the church wants young families to come, but not provide anything for these young families.  They just want to pad their numbers without the cost.

Moreover, I'm very lonely, especially when I'm around people.  The guy who arranged for this job and was supposed to help me never showed when he was supposed to this weekend, which is really great when I'm feeling discouraged and ready to quit.

I had a very angry, very confrontational prayer time before getting in my car and leaving.  Most of the time, I want to get in my car and just drive off and find a place to live in the woods somewhere, off grid and away from pressure.  I'm tired of feeling like my entire life is lived out of obligation.  I'm sick of being obligated to other people.  I feel like there are several things that I am supposed to do, but can't because nothing that I do works.  Doors get slammed in my face.  Windows never really open.  I just get trapped, with others staring at me like a performing monkey.  I never get to be myself, because I only get to me who I have to be.

As I talked through with some friends of mine, I'm not even sure who I am anymore aside from what other people force me to be.  So I'm cutting back on some obligations.  I'm trying to decide if ministry needs to be one of them.

Biblical Suicide

Last night, before leaving work, I got a call, informing me that the son-in-law of church members had committed suicide.  I spent a while at their house last night talking to them, crying with them, praying with them.

In that time, I thought of a lot of things about suicide.  I know some groups believe that suicide is unforgivable.  They view repentance as asking God to forgive you.  They believe firmly that if you don't ask forgiveness for each individual sin, then God won't forgive it.

People sure think God is petty. 

God is a God of love and mercy.  Mercy isn't Him waiting for the chance to burn us, disappointed when we repent.  God is understanding.  This particular individual was in a car wreck that messed up his brain, a little more than a month ago.  He was also on a medication that had a side effect of suicidal thoughts and actions.  He told the doctor that he was having suicidal thoughts, and the doctor didn't do anything. 

This man had a disease.  He couldn't help it.  God is merciful, and I have hope for him.  I won't guarantee his salvation, because God knows this man's heart, but I have hope.

There are several people in the Bible who commit suicide.  Famously, King Saul and Judas Iscariot killed themselves.  They died in their wickedness.  But two others are praised for their faith.  Samson had faith and repented for the first time in his life, and destroyed the enemy temple and was killed with that act.  The other was a servant of King Saul, who was so grieved that their God appointed king had taken his own life, he also took his own.  Yet he is lifted up as an example of faithfulness.

So if you have a loved one who is depressed or suicidal, get them help.  If you have a loved one that took their own life, please don't let ignorant people steal your hope away.  Trust God.  Love Him.  Know that He is faithful, even when we aren't.

Confessions

I hate me sometimes.  I know people say that, but I mean it.  And today is one of those days.

I walked into work this morning and found a post-it note on the floor.  I'd written it to myself as a reminder that a close friend of mine was having surgery this morning.  I'd promised to go to the hospital and have prayer with her this morning (even though she tried to talk me out of going).  Still, I'd given my word, and broken it.  My word is all I have.  I've got nothing else.  No talents or skills that the world cares about.  I'm pretty well mediocre and anything I am good at.

Then, to make up for it, I snapped at a friend.  I'm mad at me, and so I took it out on him (I will be apologizing next time I talk to him).

"Big deal.  Nobody's perfect."  Right?  I hate that.  It is a big deal.  I want to be perfect.  No one is harder on me than me.  I'm better than I used to me.  I used to hate me all the time, and everything about me.  I've finally become more comfortable with me, but I still hate me some of the time, like today.

I've also not had a regular devotional time since November.  I'm talking twice a week on a good week.  I work for God, for crying out loud, and I can't motivate myself to turn off the TV in the morning and give him fifteen minutes of my day.  I pray for a living, and don't pray for me.

I hate meeting new people, especially dating, because I'm supposed to talk about me and I have nothing to say.  "I like teaching people about the Bible and was raised in a family where passing gas was a sport."  That's about all I got. 

I've not done well at keeping up with this blog lately.  And that makes me feel guilty.

I hate it when people compliment me, because I feel like it's a lie.  It feels like a slap in the face because I know they aren't true.

I hate it when people run me down.  I've been run down most of my life.  I hate it because I don't need to be told things that I already know.

I don't like spending time with people because I feel like I'm constantly being watched and secretly think that everyone has expectations of me that I'm not meeting.  This was especially true of the girl that I dated for a year back when I was in college.  She had this image of what I should be and when I didn't match that image, she knew right where to stick in a spear to hurt me the worst.

When I went to work with my dad, he used to run me down the whole time I was with him, then come home and tell my mother that I worked really hard and he was proud of me.  That's probably why I hate compliments today.  That was my relationship with my dad.  I loved the him that was around other people, but hated the occasionally abusive him that was at home (he used to lose his temper and hit me when he was mad at anything).

I feel like no one really knows me.  I don't really think that I want them to.

I don't want to get married because to me, a wife is one more person with expectations that I will let down.  Diddo with kids.

Like many men, the reason pornography is a temptation for me is because it is a woman who offers herself to me sexually without demanding anything from me.  And that is why I won't have Internet at home (that and I'm cheap). 

I hate it when people try to cheer me up, because I feel like they only do it because they have to.

Sometimes I wish I could become a hermit so that I'm only letting down me and God.

I feel like a hypocrite.  I hated preaching a sermon on a series from the Beatitudes because it was on having a pure heart and I felt like a fraud for preaching it.  Same with teaching on having a devo time while mine ranks somewhere with the Titanic right now.

I feel like right now that God is trying to tell me that He loves me, that His power is made perfect in my weakness, and I really don't want to hear it.  In fact I'd rather not talk to anyone right now.

I've often used my intellect to keep people at bay with facts.

I sometimes (like today) consider quiting at my church, because I feel like the church would be better off if they hired someone more competent than me.  I've thought that for years.  There were times I almost quit.  The only things that have stopped me is: 1) I'm stubborn. 2) I feel like God wants me here.  3) I'm not good enough at anything to do anything else, nor is there anything else I want to do.

My boss said something to me before (years ago) about being too insecure.  Now I'm insecure about being insecure, and feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I hate making decisions, and the smaller and more inconsequential, the more it's crippling to me.

I want to be something better than myself, but I don't know how or what.

I read books about warriors because I feel like a coward and a failure.  That why I like knights and swords.

I beat myself up for typos.

My life's motivations are love for God, guilt, and fear of failure.  One of those three is the reason behind almost everything I do.

That's enough feeling sorry for myself right now.  I have work to do.

Warren family values

What the heck is wrong with people?  Rick and Kaye Warren are famous pastors, people of faith.  Now, I don't particularly like Rick.  I don't agree with him on some things, plus we just have personality differences.  But right now, my heart goes out to the Warren family.  This weekend, they experienced the worst loss someone can experience.  They lost a son.  Worse, they lost a son to suicide.

If you've never known someone who attempted suicide, you are lucky.  Even if unsuccessful, the attempt still leaves you with guilt and pain, always wondering if you could have done more.  Depression is a terrible, impossible thing to struggle with, and doubt will always remain. 

But, thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, the Warren family, while suffering, is under attack.  People are criticizing Rick for the Purpose Driven Life.  They are also saying he deserves to suffer because of his politics.  These cruel, twisted, evil people are crossing a line.  They need to knock it off.  Stop spitting on their son's grave before he's even in the ground.

In the mean time, Jesus said in the Beatitudes, "Blessed are those who mourn."  He also said, "Blessed are you when people hate you because of me."  The Warrens are double blessed.  It may not be a good idea to try to harm those that God has double blessed.  Just saying.

The Response

I very rarely take time to write two days in a row, but I had to today. Yesterday I wrote very honestly about my insecurity and recent depression. (Click to read)

God responded. He does that, you know. The more time you spend with Him, the less you believe in coincidence. Shortly after yesterday's blog, my phone rang. It was one of my closest friends, a man who is my accountability partner, but we had not spoken together for over a month. I knew that I should call him with what I'm dealing with, but if you've ever dealt with depression, the things that you need to do to get better is exactly the things that you do not want to do.

Anyway, my dear friend, a man that I call my brother, called ME in the time that I needed to call him. The Holy Spirit guided him to pick up the phone and call me. God used my close friend to lift me up when I needed it. Thank you God for having perfect timing.

My Insecurity

I've been wrestling with my own insecurity a lot lately. John Eldridge, in his book Wild At Heart, writes that all men have the question written on their hearts "Am I enough?" Each man also has a wound from a time when that question was answered "No."

Lately the spear has been stuck in my gut answering the question "no." My boss keeps telling me I need to get over it. That doesn't help. It only makes me insecure about how aparent my insecurity is. Wonderful isn't it?

In many ways related to my job, I feel like a boy. Coordinating resistant volunteer who SHOULD but don't is a difficult and frustrating task. It also hurts that during my younger days, my dad was also fired from this job. I talk a good, confident game, but may actually be one of the most insecure men that I regularly spend time with. I've even had trouble accepting compliments my entire life, because I just know those people are lying.

It is easier to spot a certain type of men than others. That is the classic know-it-all. I have had several friends over the years who if they don't know something, make it up. They don't set out to be liars or obnoxious, they are just trying to relate. Many confident people are trying to prove their confidence and competence to others, because if they can convince you, they just may convince themselves too. Actors Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford both admit to sever insecurity, and started acting because instead of having to be themselves, they could be someone else.

I guess we all have our areas. Lately I have just felt consumed by it. I guess I wonder if those I work with figure out that I have no idea what I'm doing if they will get rid of me. I also wonder if someone else could do a better job, and in my weaker moments wonder if they should so that my church can grow. Our attendence has crashed over the summer, and I guess I again find myself secretly wondering if it is my fault or more specifically, if I could have prevented it.



I think that part of it may also involve my resistance to dating. Most of my life I have been the outcast. I was the last pick for dodgeball, baseball, and everything else. I'm just used to being a loser, and being told so. I've never really succeeded in anything in my life until now. I used to believe that everyone was they best they knew at SOMETHING. (This does not include professionals or celebrities, just those they really knew.) It seems foolish now, but that's what I thought. And I was mediocre at everything.

Anyway, I'm so used to being the outsider that rejection is my normal. I have always been the third wheel. Even among my closest friends in college, there was three of us. And it was "John and Robyn" and I was along. Now my closest friends here are married. And I'm not sure that's God's plan for me, despite constant outside pressure. So I continue to feel like a spare tire.

What am I to do about this? Nothing really works right now. I've not been sleeping well, so my depression is in swing. I just look to the return of Jesus, when He will make all things right, including me. Satan may have wounded me, torn some holes in my armor, but he can't kill me. I'll just keep limping on until then.

Depression

I struggle with depression. Not serious. I have NEVER had a suicidal thought. I am not on medication, nor do I require it. But I do have depression sometimes.

Last week was one of those times. It had been years since my last bought of this type. Yet, there it was.

I picked up on the symptoms, late. Loneliness, over eating, trouble sleeping, quick temper. These are the symptoms I personally exhibit, though I imagine it varies from person to person. These symptoms, with a few others, all flared last week.

To make it worse, the dad of one of my closest friends passed away in the same week. I did not know the deceased, nor did I mourn him. So why did it make it worse? Guilt. I had depression and was sitting around feeling sorry for myself, while my friend lost his dad. I am close to my dad, as he was to his, so I cannot even imagine the pain. The guy was 48 years old, and died of the word that makes me sicker than any other, cancer.

My depression began because several, trival things went wrong. They were small. They didn't even make me mad, just frustrated. Then I had one relationship issue that was just a breakdown in communication, but still sent me into a spiral, much like the one years before. I thought I was over the one years before. I am certainly over the girl that started it (she didn't even enter my mind), but the insecurities, the things I found within myself remain. I am still vulnerable to the old hurts. My heart is still indefensable in the same areas.

Depression sucks. Its something we don't really talk about, but it sucks. Its more than a wieght being placed on you. Its like I have no energy, but cannot rest either. It is feeling like if you cry you would feel better, but have no tears (and yes, real men cry when they need to). For me, I do not want to eat, but am constantly hungry. I am constantly pissed, but at no one in particular or about anything in particular.

The good news is, I am doing better now than I was last week. I have found my strength again. I still feel vulerable in certain areas (a difficult thing for men to admit), but my will is being restored. I'm also getting over a cold, which health can also get a person down.

I wrote this, mostly to admit that people do get depressed, and there is hope to overcome.
Some simple suggestions I learned when I went to counselling with my severe bought a few years ago.

1. Talk about it. It helps to admit it.
2. Do the things you don't want to do, like spend time with friends, get out of bed, etc.
3. Excercise. It may not feel like it at first, but simple things like running can really help.
4. Doing nothing won't solve the problem.
5. Seek help. Family, friends, doctors. It really helps more than you know, if you've never gotten help before. It takes a little pride swallowing, but human beings are designed to be interdependant. Get help, and then later you can help others.