My Insecurity

I've been wrestling with my own insecurity a lot lately. John Eldridge, in his book Wild At Heart, writes that all men have the question written on their hearts "Am I enough?" Each man also has a wound from a time when that question was answered "No."

Lately the spear has been stuck in my gut answering the question "no." My boss keeps telling me I need to get over it. That doesn't help. It only makes me insecure about how aparent my insecurity is. Wonderful isn't it?

In many ways related to my job, I feel like a boy. Coordinating resistant volunteer who SHOULD but don't is a difficult and frustrating task. It also hurts that during my younger days, my dad was also fired from this job. I talk a good, confident game, but may actually be one of the most insecure men that I regularly spend time with. I've even had trouble accepting compliments my entire life, because I just know those people are lying.

It is easier to spot a certain type of men than others. That is the classic know-it-all. I have had several friends over the years who if they don't know something, make it up. They don't set out to be liars or obnoxious, they are just trying to relate. Many confident people are trying to prove their confidence and competence to others, because if they can convince you, they just may convince themselves too. Actors Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford both admit to sever insecurity, and started acting because instead of having to be themselves, they could be someone else.

I guess we all have our areas. Lately I have just felt consumed by it. I guess I wonder if those I work with figure out that I have no idea what I'm doing if they will get rid of me. I also wonder if someone else could do a better job, and in my weaker moments wonder if they should so that my church can grow. Our attendence has crashed over the summer, and I guess I again find myself secretly wondering if it is my fault or more specifically, if I could have prevented it.



I think that part of it may also involve my resistance to dating. Most of my life I have been the outcast. I was the last pick for dodgeball, baseball, and everything else. I'm just used to being a loser, and being told so. I've never really succeeded in anything in my life until now. I used to believe that everyone was they best they knew at SOMETHING. (This does not include professionals or celebrities, just those they really knew.) It seems foolish now, but that's what I thought. And I was mediocre at everything.

Anyway, I'm so used to being the outsider that rejection is my normal. I have always been the third wheel. Even among my closest friends in college, there was three of us. And it was "John and Robyn" and I was along. Now my closest friends here are married. And I'm not sure that's God's plan for me, despite constant outside pressure. So I continue to feel like a spare tire.

What am I to do about this? Nothing really works right now. I've not been sleeping well, so my depression is in swing. I just look to the return of Jesus, when He will make all things right, including me. Satan may have wounded me, torn some holes in my armor, but he can't kill me. I'll just keep limping on until then.