I very rarely take time to write two days in a row, but I had to today. Yesterday I wrote very honestly about my insecurity and recent depression. (Click to read)
God responded. He does that, you know. The more time you spend with Him, the less you believe in coincidence. Shortly after yesterday's blog, my phone rang. It was one of my closest friends, a man who is my accountability partner, but we had not spoken together for over a month. I knew that I should call him with what I'm dealing with, but if you've ever dealt with depression, the things that you need to do to get better is exactly the things that you do not want to do.
Anyway, my dear friend, a man that I call my brother, called ME in the time that I needed to call him. The Holy Spirit guided him to pick up the phone and call me. God used my close friend to lift me up when I needed it. Thank you God for having perfect timing.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
My Insecurity
I've been wrestling with my own insecurity a lot lately. John Eldridge, in his book Wild At Heart, writes that all men have the question written on their hearts "Am I enough?" Each man also has a wound from a time when that question was answered "No."
Lately the spear has been stuck in my gut answering the question "no." My boss keeps telling me I need to get over it. That doesn't help. It only makes me insecure about how aparent my insecurity is. Wonderful isn't it?
In many ways related to my job, I feel like a boy. Coordinating resistant volunteer who SHOULD but don't is a difficult and frustrating task. It also hurts that during my younger days, my dad was also fired from this job. I talk a good, confident game, but may actually be one of the most insecure men that I regularly spend time with. I've even had trouble accepting compliments my entire life, because I just know those people are lying.
It is easier to spot a certain type of men than others. That is the classic know-it-all. I have had several friends over the years who if they don't know something, make it up. They don't set out to be liars or obnoxious, they are just trying to relate. Many confident people are trying to prove their confidence and competence to others, because if they can convince you, they just may convince themselves too. Actors Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford both admit to sever insecurity, and started acting because instead of having to be themselves, they could be someone else.
I guess we all have our areas. Lately I have just felt consumed by it. I guess I wonder if those I work with figure out that I have no idea what I'm doing if they will get rid of me. I also wonder if someone else could do a better job, and in my weaker moments wonder if they should so that my church can grow. Our attendence has crashed over the summer, and I guess I again find myself secretly wondering if it is my fault or more specifically, if I could have prevented it.
I think that part of it may also involve my resistance to dating. Most of my life I have been the outcast. I was the last pick for dodgeball, baseball, and everything else. I'm just used to being a loser, and being told so. I've never really succeeded in anything in my life until now. I used to believe that everyone was they best they knew at SOMETHING. (This does not include professionals or celebrities, just those they really knew.) It seems foolish now, but that's what I thought. And I was mediocre at everything.
Anyway, I'm so used to being the outsider that rejection is my normal. I have always been the third wheel. Even among my closest friends in college, there was three of us. And it was "John and Robyn" and I was along. Now my closest friends here are married. And I'm not sure that's God's plan for me, despite constant outside pressure. So I continue to feel like a spare tire.
What am I to do about this? Nothing really works right now. I've not been sleeping well, so my depression is in swing. I just look to the return of Jesus, when He will make all things right, including me. Satan may have wounded me, torn some holes in my armor, but he can't kill me. I'll just keep limping on until then.
Lately the spear has been stuck in my gut answering the question "no." My boss keeps telling me I need to get over it. That doesn't help. It only makes me insecure about how aparent my insecurity is. Wonderful isn't it?
In many ways related to my job, I feel like a boy. Coordinating resistant volunteer who SHOULD but don't is a difficult and frustrating task. It also hurts that during my younger days, my dad was also fired from this job. I talk a good, confident game, but may actually be one of the most insecure men that I regularly spend time with. I've even had trouble accepting compliments my entire life, because I just know those people are lying.
It is easier to spot a certain type of men than others. That is the classic know-it-all. I have had several friends over the years who if they don't know something, make it up. They don't set out to be liars or obnoxious, they are just trying to relate. Many confident people are trying to prove their confidence and competence to others, because if they can convince you, they just may convince themselves too. Actors Bruce Willis and Harrison Ford both admit to sever insecurity, and started acting because instead of having to be themselves, they could be someone else.
I guess we all have our areas. Lately I have just felt consumed by it. I guess I wonder if those I work with figure out that I have no idea what I'm doing if they will get rid of me. I also wonder if someone else could do a better job, and in my weaker moments wonder if they should so that my church can grow. Our attendence has crashed over the summer, and I guess I again find myself secretly wondering if it is my fault or more specifically, if I could have prevented it.
I think that part of it may also involve my resistance to dating. Most of my life I have been the outcast. I was the last pick for dodgeball, baseball, and everything else. I'm just used to being a loser, and being told so. I've never really succeeded in anything in my life until now. I used to believe that everyone was they best they knew at SOMETHING. (This does not include professionals or celebrities, just those they really knew.) It seems foolish now, but that's what I thought. And I was mediocre at everything.
Anyway, I'm so used to being the outsider that rejection is my normal. I have always been the third wheel. Even among my closest friends in college, there was three of us. And it was "John and Robyn" and I was along. Now my closest friends here are married. And I'm not sure that's God's plan for me, despite constant outside pressure. So I continue to feel like a spare tire.
What am I to do about this? Nothing really works right now. I've not been sleeping well, so my depression is in swing. I just look to the return of Jesus, when He will make all things right, including me. Satan may have wounded me, torn some holes in my armor, but he can't kill me. I'll just keep limping on until then.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Disappearing Rights
You want more proof that both parties are the same? Both parties, even the Tea Party activists and many Libertarians are plotting to end the first Amendment of the Bill of Rights. In case you don't know, that's the one that gives us the freedom of religion, speech, and the press.
Here's the issue. They want to keep people from being able to worship as they choose. They want to eliminate freedom of religion in favor of getting out one political message or another. Now they want to eliminate freedom of religion for "popular opinion." They are playing on people's prejudices and anger to stop freedom.
They want to stop a mosque from being built near ground zero. Now whatever you think about if they mean this as an insult, a "poke in the eye," or if this is a statement of Muslim superiority, I would ask that each person think this through to the end.
If they stop this from being built, then they will start telling people where they can worship or pray. Soon they will start saying who you can pray to, or if you can. Or if you can own a Bible. Or if you can speak on certain passages (they are already trying on that). Soon we are living in the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany. Our founders believed that the freedom of religion is THE right on which all other are based. All men are "created equal." Who created us that gave us this equality?
Any time we consider any action, we should ask "What precedent does this set?" This has the potential to set a dangerous one.
Here's the issue. They want to keep people from being able to worship as they choose. They want to eliminate freedom of religion in favor of getting out one political message or another. Now they want to eliminate freedom of religion for "popular opinion." They are playing on people's prejudices and anger to stop freedom.
They want to stop a mosque from being built near ground zero. Now whatever you think about if they mean this as an insult, a "poke in the eye," or if this is a statement of Muslim superiority, I would ask that each person think this through to the end.
If they stop this from being built, then they will start telling people where they can worship or pray. Soon they will start saying who you can pray to, or if you can. Or if you can own a Bible. Or if you can speak on certain passages (they are already trying on that). Soon we are living in the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany. Our founders believed that the freedom of religion is THE right on which all other are based. All men are "created equal." Who created us that gave us this equality?
Any time we consider any action, we should ask "What precedent does this set?" This has the potential to set a dangerous one.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Big One
Ok, I've delayed this for a while. This is the one I shouldn't write. But I'm going to anyway. I am going to talk about that one thing that makes people about more hostile than anything.
Homosexuality.
Before you get on your high horse of your preconcieved notions, let's stop to look. There are mostly extremes, with few in between. Mostly there are "pro gay" people who believe it is normal and natural, and "anti gay" people who believe it is an abomination and that homosexuals will burn forever in hell.
The latter sometimes go as far to march with "God hates fags" signs or go beyond biggotted slurs to ream out, threaten, or even beat or kill homosexuals. This is a trajedy. These people are filled with a darkness and hatred for others that they take out on others. Its the same for the KKK. They hate others in order to ignore their problem. It makes them feel righteous or superior, or something like that. They make me sick.
Homosexuals are made in the image of God. He loves them. Jesus died for them. Jesus would rather die than to live in heaven without them. That is fact. They are not predestined for hell. They are in fact people.
Homosexuality is sin, but homosexuals are not depraved, at least no more than you or me. Temptation does not make them evil. Sure, homosexual acts are sin, but the desire is no more than temptation. I would recommend counseling, but I would recommend the same for porn or sex addicts of any kind. I would recommend it for alcoholism, drug use, abuse, anger issues, and a hoard of other issues.
Homosexuality.
Before you get on your high horse of your preconcieved notions, let's stop to look. There are mostly extremes, with few in between. Mostly there are "pro gay" people who believe it is normal and natural, and "anti gay" people who believe it is an abomination and that homosexuals will burn forever in hell.
The latter sometimes go as far to march with "God hates fags" signs or go beyond biggotted slurs to ream out, threaten, or even beat or kill homosexuals. This is a trajedy. These people are filled with a darkness and hatred for others that they take out on others. Its the same for the KKK. They hate others in order to ignore their problem. It makes them feel righteous or superior, or something like that. They make me sick.
Homosexuals are made in the image of God. He loves them. Jesus died for them. Jesus would rather die than to live in heaven without them. That is fact. They are not predestined for hell. They are in fact people.
Homosexuality is sin, but homosexuals are not depraved, at least no more than you or me. Temptation does not make them evil. Sure, homosexual acts are sin, but the desire is no more than temptation. I would recommend counseling, but I would recommend the same for porn or sex addicts of any kind. I would recommend it for alcoholism, drug use, abuse, anger issues, and a hoard of other issues.
Playing catch up and immigration
I haven't posted in a while. The reason why is because I threw my back out. Uh. Back pain is terrible. It is easy to immobilize you. It seems like it should be bearable, but...
I ended up calling for help and staying a few days under medical supervision. It was rough to be immobilized and dependant on others. That's the way it goes.
Ok, onto topics that matter. Some people, Republicans, want to repeal the 14th Amendment, specifically section 1.
They call this now the Anchor babies Amendment. In its original design, shortly after the Civil war, was to declare all slaves as citizens. Now, Mexicans jump the border to have babies in the US that are citizens.
Republicans, in an effort to win voters, are now anti-immigrant. They confuse the Arizona issue with anti-immigrant sentiment. This makes me sick. I hate it when people play politics, especially with people's lives.
My opinon? I'm all for anchor babies. Let the amendment stand. They are US citizens. Don't take that away. It would be wrong. Besides, in this country, we don't understand what it means to be desperately poor. You've never had to chose which of your children eats this week. You've never had to chose whether your family would die of dehydration, or diseases from the only available water.
If that is a serious problem, then still deport the parents, with baby in tow. When the baby then a legal adult, they as a United States citizen return free and clear. It seems simple. In the mean time, I don't want to reward illegal behavior, but I think there needs to be some understanding of desperation and not punish innocent children. Let's go after some of these dangerous illegals who are dealing drugs, starting gangs, and killing people.
I ended up calling for help and staying a few days under medical supervision. It was rough to be immobilized and dependant on others. That's the way it goes.
Ok, onto topics that matter. Some people, Republicans, want to repeal the 14th Amendment, specifically section 1.
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to
the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State
wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge
the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any
State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of
law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the
laws.
They call this now the Anchor babies Amendment. In its original design, shortly after the Civil war, was to declare all slaves as citizens. Now, Mexicans jump the border to have babies in the US that are citizens.
Republicans, in an effort to win voters, are now anti-immigrant. They confuse the Arizona issue with anti-immigrant sentiment. This makes me sick. I hate it when people play politics, especially with people's lives.
My opinon? I'm all for anchor babies. Let the amendment stand. They are US citizens. Don't take that away. It would be wrong. Besides, in this country, we don't understand what it means to be desperately poor. You've never had to chose which of your children eats this week. You've never had to chose whether your family would die of dehydration, or diseases from the only available water.
If that is a serious problem, then still deport the parents, with baby in tow. When the baby then a legal adult, they as a United States citizen return free and clear. It seems simple. In the mean time, I don't want to reward illegal behavior, but I think there needs to be some understanding of desperation and not punish innocent children. Let's go after some of these dangerous illegals who are dealing drugs, starting gangs, and killing people.
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