Confessions

I hate me sometimes.  I know people say that, but I mean it.  And today is one of those days.

I walked into work this morning and found a post-it note on the floor.  I'd written it to myself as a reminder that a close friend of mine was having surgery this morning.  I'd promised to go to the hospital and have prayer with her this morning (even though she tried to talk me out of going).  Still, I'd given my word, and broken it.  My word is all I have.  I've got nothing else.  No talents or skills that the world cares about.  I'm pretty well mediocre and anything I am good at.

Then, to make up for it, I snapped at a friend.  I'm mad at me, and so I took it out on him (I will be apologizing next time I talk to him).

"Big deal.  Nobody's perfect."  Right?  I hate that.  It is a big deal.  I want to be perfect.  No one is harder on me than me.  I'm better than I used to me.  I used to hate me all the time, and everything about me.  I've finally become more comfortable with me, but I still hate me some of the time, like today.

I've also not had a regular devotional time since November.  I'm talking twice a week on a good week.  I work for God, for crying out loud, and I can't motivate myself to turn off the TV in the morning and give him fifteen minutes of my day.  I pray for a living, and don't pray for me.

I hate meeting new people, especially dating, because I'm supposed to talk about me and I have nothing to say.  "I like teaching people about the Bible and was raised in a family where passing gas was a sport."  That's about all I got. 

I've not done well at keeping up with this blog lately.  And that makes me feel guilty.

I hate it when people compliment me, because I feel like it's a lie.  It feels like a slap in the face because I know they aren't true.

I hate it when people run me down.  I've been run down most of my life.  I hate it because I don't need to be told things that I already know.

I don't like spending time with people because I feel like I'm constantly being watched and secretly think that everyone has expectations of me that I'm not meeting.  This was especially true of the girl that I dated for a year back when I was in college.  She had this image of what I should be and when I didn't match that image, she knew right where to stick in a spear to hurt me the worst.

When I went to work with my dad, he used to run me down the whole time I was with him, then come home and tell my mother that I worked really hard and he was proud of me.  That's probably why I hate compliments today.  That was my relationship with my dad.  I loved the him that was around other people, but hated the occasionally abusive him that was at home (he used to lose his temper and hit me when he was mad at anything).

I feel like no one really knows me.  I don't really think that I want them to.

I don't want to get married because to me, a wife is one more person with expectations that I will let down.  Diddo with kids.

Like many men, the reason pornography is a temptation for me is because it is a woman who offers herself to me sexually without demanding anything from me.  And that is why I won't have Internet at home (that and I'm cheap). 

I hate it when people try to cheer me up, because I feel like they only do it because they have to.

Sometimes I wish I could become a hermit so that I'm only letting down me and God.

I feel like a hypocrite.  I hated preaching a sermon on a series from the Beatitudes because it was on having a pure heart and I felt like a fraud for preaching it.  Same with teaching on having a devo time while mine ranks somewhere with the Titanic right now.

I feel like right now that God is trying to tell me that He loves me, that His power is made perfect in my weakness, and I really don't want to hear it.  In fact I'd rather not talk to anyone right now.

I've often used my intellect to keep people at bay with facts.

I sometimes (like today) consider quiting at my church, because I feel like the church would be better off if they hired someone more competent than me.  I've thought that for years.  There were times I almost quit.  The only things that have stopped me is: 1) I'm stubborn. 2) I feel like God wants me here.  3) I'm not good enough at anything to do anything else, nor is there anything else I want to do.

My boss said something to me before (years ago) about being too insecure.  Now I'm insecure about being insecure, and feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I hate making decisions, and the smaller and more inconsequential, the more it's crippling to me.

I want to be something better than myself, but I don't know how or what.

I read books about warriors because I feel like a coward and a failure.  That why I like knights and swords.

I beat myself up for typos.

My life's motivations are love for God, guilt, and fear of failure.  One of those three is the reason behind almost everything I do.

That's enough feeling sorry for myself right now.  I have work to do.