Last week my depression went into overdrive. It's tough. I'm not seeing much "fruit" here. It's tough to come to this church and face the feeling that I'm on my own. You'd think after feeling like that my entire life, I'd be used to it, but I never really escape it.
This week, we had a family visit with small kids. They seemed to like it here, which is good. But I was told "You won't get people to staff the nursery." In other words, the church wants young families to come, but not provide anything for these young families. They just want to pad their numbers without the cost.
Moreover, I'm very lonely, especially when I'm around people. The guy who arranged for this job and was supposed to help me never showed when he was supposed to this weekend, which is really great when I'm feeling discouraged and ready to quit.
I had a very angry, very confrontational prayer time before getting in my car and leaving. Most of the time, I want to get in my car and just drive off and find a place to live in the woods somewhere, off grid and away from pressure. I'm tired of feeling like my entire life is lived out of obligation. I'm sick of being obligated to other people. I feel like there are several things that I am supposed to do, but can't because nothing that I do works. Doors get slammed in my face. Windows never really open. I just get trapped, with others staring at me like a performing monkey. I never get to be myself, because I only get to me who I have to be.
As I talked through with some friends of mine, I'm not even sure who I am anymore aside from what other people force me to be. So I'm cutting back on some obligations. I'm trying to decide if ministry needs to be one of them.
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