Lately I've been stressed out, burned out, and insecure. I've been seeing the negative in everything, and complaining about all of it. I just haven't felt like myself.
Saturday, I had this amazing opportunity. My church organized a free yard sale in the poor section of the community. We didn't expect them to come to us. We didn't attach strings (like making them sit through a two hour presentation on the gospel before they could take anything). We just tried to show love without conditions. Because love can change the world.
While we were organizing this and after, one person kept making comments to me and to others about how I wasn't helping. He said this because while he was folding clothes, I was in my office working. While he was here Friday, I (on my only day off) went grocery shopping, did laundry, and went to pick up a guy who wanted to help but needed a ride and lived over a half hour away.
You see, my job is mainly a behind the scenes guy. As I write this, I am waiting for a sermon MP3 to format to load on the church website. So I did up front things, behind the scenes things, and was here in evenings when this guy wasn't. So when I was on this high, I was also low.
Well, yesterday, I had an epiphony. If you've never read the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge, I highly recommend it. It is a personal favortie of mine. It is about restoring genuine masculinity as God intended it. It is about being a warrior, carrying on the fight. As you would imagine, this has become a defining imagery for me.
Anyway, one thing he talks about is that each man has a Wound. This Wound is the place where his heart has been pierced, and his strength has been stolen. (Women, reading and understanding this will help you understand the men around you.) Really, every man has the question on his heart. The question can be worded many ways, and in the same way, now words can fully express it. "Am I enough? Am I strong enough? Am I man enough? Do I have what it takes?"
In some way, this question has been answered "no." My dad was a large, physically impressive man in my childhood. He had a strength to match his great size. He had me work construction with him. I learned a lot of things that way. But I also got my Wound. Dad always wanted me to lift more than I could carry to help him. And he always wanted me to hurry faster. I would be moving as fast as I could burdened with a heavy load, and he would say "my dead grandmother can move faster than that."
What I learned was that because I was smaller and weaker, I was not enough. I had to work harder. Since then I have been trying to work harder, being the first to volunteer and trying to prove to everyone that I am not lazy.
That's what I realized yesterday. For six weeks, Satan had plunged his dagger into the weak spot in my armor AND I DIDN'T NOTICE. Once I realized that, it was as if a great burden was lifted from me. Now, I've got the dagger out, shield up, and I'm ready to do some beating down with my sword. I'm ticked. I'm angry. I'm ready for the fight.
On a related note, this is why I have a hard time accepting gifts, praise, or affection. I feel that I have to earn everything. And I feel that I can never work hard enough to earn anything. For example, my dad would yell at me all day, then tell my mom how hard that I worked and he is proud of me. That screwed me up.
When I fell away from God for a time, it was largely because I was trying to earn grace, which is a free gift from God, and I wouldn't accept anything free. That's why our free yard sale made a difference in the community. It was utterly free, without conditions or strings. So do something nice, something free, for someone that you care about. And if it is me, don't be offended if I struggle with accepting it. It is not a lack of gratitude. It is a lack of feeling worthy on my part. Don't mistake it for humilty either. Insecurity can be just as pride filled as anything.
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